Romance was dead on arrival
16th of November, 2024
Recently I was asked my thoughts on love and it reminded me about a blog post I wanted to write.
The original draft for this was much more antagonistic and spiteful. I think at the time something has ticked me off and I went on a rant about hating love and romance and how much things of that nature piss me off. Can’t say that is entirely untrue nowadays, but I have definitely cooled down over the last few months.
I used to be pretty mad at most displays of romantic affection, especially in stories that didn’t have romance as the main focus. These days I feel much better about it, maybe I’m mellowing out with age, who knows. If I see a couple kissing on a train or something I don’t immediately think “Gosh, get a room, why don’t you!” I think “Hey. You know what? Good for them. That’s lovely actually”. Times are tough, everyone needs to stick together and I’m genuinely glad that people do.
I think one of the things that make the idea of romantic relationships so unappealing to me is that I couldn’t even imagine going into one on my own terms, doing it my way. The closes I’ve ever been to any sort of romance has been people wanting to date me and refusing to take no for an answer. It always seemed to me that a relationship is one person trapping another in a cage, constantly poking them and growing more and more possessive each day. If that sounds unfair – sorry! It’s like people stop seeing you as a person if they love you romantically. It feels forced, like you are expected to get in the cage, because the person in love is always the one with pure beautiful feelings and the one refusing them is a heartless monster. Might work differently for you, and I’m really happy if that is the case. Can you tell I have commitment issues yet?
Another thing that makes people act so weirdly towards me is the fact that I don’t exactly feel love in a way most do. When I was younger I was convinced that I couldn’t feel it at all, and from the outside that might still be true. But now that I’m older, I think it’s probably closer to just experiencing it differently. Not exactly something I can put into words, as I haven’t met anyone that would like me enough to let me show affection in my own way without opening the cage door once again. Hard to say, hard to say.
Despite this bitter outlook that is really hard for me to shake, I have to admit that a relationship in which I could show love in a way I experience would be nice in theory. But that is something I find difficult to even think about. I imagine going on a date with someone and my mind immediately supplies all the data I’ve collected from my encounters so far and I feel a lump in my throat. “Ah, it’s going to turn out the same way every other situation has turned out. Of course.” A scenario in which love doesn’t feel like being tied up and left on the train tracks (not in a sexy way) seems unimaginable to me.
I don’t really have any book analysis for this or anything to tie this all into an actual point. Sorry for such a bummer post, I meant for it to be more hopeful, but when I think about such feelings in detail I’m always left with a very miserable perspective. But maybe one day it won’t be that way anymore. Maybe one day I’ll write a post about the joys of loving and being loved. Or maybe not. I’m okay with either outcome.
There is a lot of different love that fills my heart and that is perfectly enough.
as above so below